So Christmas is here. Yule, Winter Solstice to all my “pagan” peeps out there. I lay here wondering how do I avoid becoming a scrooge. I feel like a turtle. I rarely get outside my comfort zone these days. One may argue that I am blogging… Meh… I am an open book. Social to my own fault sometimes so I am comfortable with this. Though trust and faith are things in short supply with me these days.
I want to believe that things do get better, that things do change, and that people change. Enough love and support any obstacle can be overcome.
I have stood by many. I have argued with others that I should give even my last breath.
Though at what point is the cost acceptable to call it a lost cause? Or is there a point?
Sometimes I feel like I am Insane; expecting a different result knowing in my heart the result already.
I turn to my favorite book of the Bible Job. I see the statue for endurance set forth in the Christian, Jewish, and Islamic beliefs for a cause. Is that though the length that all causes should be extended to? Of course in this same book we see the supreme good and the supreme evil gambling and wagering over humanity as if we are a dice game…
I’ve seen many things, witnessed many things, experienced many things; I know things that most shrug off as Pentecostalism, occult, and make-believe even; do exist. I commune with my God via my own conception and perception of CJI beliefs, Tantric, Magic, and spiritualistic guidance with heart that is in tune with the spiritual world created by the Grand Creator.
Problem with this is it is exhausting, very energy demanding; hence why I am so social. Some of my more esoteric close friends have referred to it as psychic vampirism. I am more energetic as the crowd around me is energetic. Though I think it is more the social engineering aspects of the dynamics of my life.
I digress… My point is, my honor and my being continue to run me thru this dramatic mill. Though it seems insane because for some reason the grace, the healing, the peace has not rained down and altered the variables to make things right. Instead I continue to get hurt and I am continually expected to bear it.
We all have our crosses. We all have our burdens. No one is perfect. I know this and freely admit I am nowhere near my personal goals nor society’s social constructs.
Sad thing is my fuel tank is so dry, that even the simplest sources of positive energy can fuel me far longer than one might expect. I talk my eldest brother’s ear off nearly daily on the phone. Kinda like a free therapy session.
I guess it would be nice for a change of pace.
Maybe I’ll wake up and the great rubix cube will have shifted and I’ll find those willing to be with me sharing their energy, their lives, knowledge, and spirit. Who knows maybe lifting me up for once? Maybe even treat me like the king of this small world my family calls home, like I have earned, deserve, and so often willing surrender for the will and pleasure of others.
aka Soulbound Heart