I have been struggling with forgiveness.
On many levels
So much has washed thru this life, that I feel older than I am.
I have seen so much, witnessed so much.
Blessed to see mankind at its best and worst
Forgiveness though… That is tough.
I have forgiven many trespasses.
Yet I have for some reason taken on the weight of many more.
I find myself these days at two separate poles.
One a very passionate, creative pole
The other an embattled, tired, and dying pole
I use to take the maximum joy in each second of the day
Now it’s a fight to see my way
I’ve bore for so long, things in my heart that have hurt me
I live every day with a constant pain and reminder
Not to mention a continued trespass
So forgiveness has slipped on me.
It’s slipped off my tool belt somewhere along the way
That ability to look that pain in the face and let it go in peace
Trust me, if you could sit in my mind; you would be amazed
‘How could you survive that and forgive that and now have problems with this’
Trust me I realize how petty it can seem
I know how powerful the temptation of holding on to that pain is too
For a long time I thought I deserved all of the pain
Now here looking around, realizing I no longer enjoy some of the most
Beautiful things God the great Creator has blessed me with, that these things are more
Of an empty food no taste, no nutrition
I fear maybe my soul has become so weighted that it is becoming detached from that Glory
I see the effects of my own failings in my young ones
I see how they have become less forgiving
My failure becomes theirs but I still own it
So forgiveness, letting it all go to the Great Creator so he can do with that as he intends
Though I can’t allow for my stubborn mind to poison the souls of my young ones
I have to be an example to them
So I’ll do my best
I wonder if there is an I did my best category.
I know the Catholics believe in Purgatory.
I look around and think sometimes that maybe we are already there…
I forgive and now release all that has been built up in my heart
All those who have hurt me, wronged me, caused me ill and damage
Those who have kept me awake at night thru fear and worry
I forgive you
You may or may not know who is really at your controls
The fact that your soul is so far more lost than mine I weep for you
So I must forgive you, in hopes that light will rain down and touch you
That you may one day know the Grace and Glory that I have
So that empty hole you tried to fill with the emotions and plunder from my soul and person
May truly be filled with all that really can fill such a void
Peace, Love, Wisdom, Grace, Strength, and Perseverance of the Great Creator God.
I do this for you; I do this selfishly for me.
I need this peace; I need my weary bones to feel rested
So that I can gave the strength and fortitude to stand as a symbol for my young ones
So I can help be their guiding light in this turbulent storm we call life
I forgive you.
I lift all the damage and pain you have caused off my soul and into the stars above.
I need it no more.
Now it’s between you and God.
aka Soulbound Heart