So the waves of life really have been rocking my boat lately.
I felt like today and tonight is a breaking point.
One thing after another pushed and pushed until finally there was nothing left.
I actually broke down crying in the shower.
That tempting nasty dark voice that rises up during dark times whispering away in my ear:
Telling me I was never really a sibling in my family
I was a surprise that wasn’t wanted and was ignored as much as possible
Beaten within an inch or two of my life a few times
All those dark negative things just consuming me as the entire day replayed
Instead of being strong and rebuking it I had nothing left and gave in and broke
I logged into social media and posted some commentary
Some true friends heeded my distress and talked with me for a bit
Drug me out of my place
One challenged me, asked me what happened to forgiveness
One made me laugh
One just talked randomness with me
One shared their pain and let me listen to them as much as them to me
All of them let me vent in their own ways and were there for me
Truth is, I am drained, I’m tired of so much of the constant negative
I don’t know the next move, I admit I have issues with forgiveness on some things
Though at the same things have got to change
People have got to trust in me and believe in me
They have got to know me
They can’t just assume
They can’t just ignore me when they lay responsibility on me
The double standards have got to reduce
I am only human. I can only take so much. I have feelings.
When it comes to family, I demand some loyalty, respect, and consideration.
When it comes to duties, I expect to held accountable but I hold those around me the same
I believe in both upwards and downwards accountability.
I will not stand for being held up for something I am not responsible for or did not do.
It is in my nature to help.
Though these days I find myself more and more just wanting to watch the roof burn.
So in this day of raw and pure chaos, I hurt. I bleed emotionally.
Though I can thank my loving real friends for keeping me moving one more step forward
Despite the best efforts of the world and negativity to beat me, the strength of friendship and love wins out.
aka Soulbound Heart