When you are raised by abnormal circumstances it is extremely hard to recognize normality. Sometimes I truly believe it is a miracle that I recognize and understand what normal is. I also own the fact I am far from normal.
I conversed with a parental unit the other night. This particular unit is debatably ill. None of the tests show any signs of physical illness, however it is obvious that mentally there is a lack of stability.
Having same or similar conversations over and over.
Horrible mood swings that are forgotten the next day.
Harsh and nearly crippling paranoia.
I feel bad when conflict arises between I and my parental units but both are suffering from some horrible perceptions of reality and have been for a long time.
What truly frightens me is when allow myself to wonder if that will be me in years to come. Then I have to remind myself that so far I have managed to live my life far better than their examples so, maybe there is some hope.
Just real sad to see people you love disintegrate and melt away piece by piece. I know its selfish. I know it’s horrible to think about. Sometime though I think a quicker exit from this life would be “more humane” to them, honestly, than to melt away slowly. This is one of those things that challenges me at the core and my feelings tend to change as different parts of me win the daily debate.
All I can do is hope and pray for peace.
aka Soulbound Heart