I was so upset this morning… No.. I was downright pissed off this morning… No… outright tumultuous.
So my morning started off with waking from a night of sleeplessness and nightmares when I did sleep. I am not talking about the LSD warped reality nightmare stuff; I am talking full out I was there and couldn’t do a damn thing, pain, agony, suffering nightmares.
Then when I finally get moving, after much yelling and screaming because my darling angels became devils and just would not get ready for school or behave, or exist in any reality that would mean some level of comfort from the horrible night; I cut my leg on this stupid wooden table thing monster in my room.
Stumble into the shower I did (summoning my inner Yoda) and attempted to soak in a hot shower. Debated about shaving but decided that enough blood had already been drawn. Sent up some quick prayers, thought about my day. I was like ok… I can do this. REBOUND TIME. I’ll stop get real crack cocaine coffee from SB and get donuts for my team (which is in mourning after the sudden death of a co-worker and work friend.) I was going to turn this horrible start into a great day.
Got out of the shower and a million other stupid little familiar annoyances that happen to everyone every day started bringing me back down. My dad called while I was brushing my teeth. Which served to remind me the time was slipping away, and of a lot of pain on that subject. I have to be in the right emotional state to talk to father. He is sick. I understand that. I know that. I consume that. It doesn’t change the fact his illness, tears at me, and how he just is and the person he is ill or not tears and anyone who cares. Then added that onto the fact it is a loop, same conversation, same argument, same exact thing each time… and then the cycle starts again. LITERALY GROUND HOGS DAY the movie. No matter how you approach him, or the conversation, the outcome is always a select few variable dimensions from pain and agony. Soooo I make myself a promise and I am going to be in a good enough place when I hit the car to call him back and go through what I know will be a shorter, faster, and more intense version of the same call I have had for a long time.
I move on dash across the bed grab items here and there slap cloths on, go for my belt and of course… one of my sweet darling angels had moved it from its last know existence point. Of on the adventure to find a belt. I should have checked for traps. As this adventure would be the one to nearly send me over the edge.
I dunno. Maybe it is I am in a middle age crisis. Maybe I am having problems loosing someone who I considered a Grandparent, and the last link to a real father; so it’s like losing him all over again. Maybe I am having problems dealing with my own health even though my mind is telling me we are good and we are not going to worry until test give us something to factually worry about. Maybe the years of watching a loved one suffer in pain, and slowly disintegrate mentally and physically is getting to me. Maybe it’s my own father and mother’s slow agonizing destruction of health finally getting to me. Maybe it’s having three beautiful angels and each having some chronic illness that is tearing them apart and changing them right in front of me into people I have no clue how to help or guide.
Maybe I am just a fucking nut…
Who knows but let me tell you this, my bedroom door caught my belt loop and shirt as I tried to exit while looking for that stupid belt. First things out of my mouth. “Really, Lord, this is what we are going to do today?” I backed up and I’d be damned if it didn’t make it worse. So my door handle looks like this:
My shirt and belt loop were jammed into it so tight, it would not budge. What happened next was 30 minutes of my life flashing at light speed feeling like a day. I tried everything. Calmly moving forward, backward. Tugging this way that way. Slowly my genetics began to kick in. Slowly I moved from the me I am at normal super high anxiety to my alternate universe twin. “What the fuck, seriously. I am going to be late because of a stupid fucking door knob?” Oh it got worse. As I realized it had defeated me the Captain Kirk in me poured out. “Change the rules” So off come the pants. Hell I would have left my wardrobe hanging there if I could have honestly. It was my thought at that point actually. “Fuck you, I just change cloths.”
Oh no… Oh no.. God, the fates, the great architect wasn’t done with me yet.
Pants less, I go for taking off the shirt, NOT ENOUG SLACK. So I drop to my knees. “What the fuck … (cough cough)” Damn thing was choking me on my knees because not enough slack in this bunched up shirt in this damned high end door knob, to take it off my freaking massive body. So now I am choking.
“Great, they are going to find me dead, hanging from a door knob. What a fucked up way to go…” Then real panic set in as a creepy thought danced through my head “You always knew you’d die alone.”
I looked around at it really sat in… I couldn’t get to a screw driver to remove this cursed handle, I couldn’t get my shirt off without killing myself, “Oh WOW No signal, can’t call for help”.
I immediately tossed my mind to one of my two favorite books of the Bible.
“11 But put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face.”
I was furious, every ounce of my genetic coding screaming in rage. “Fucking door, kicks my ass”
So I did the only thing one can do in that circumstance. If you cannot climb the mountain, if you cannot go around the mountain… Then the only option left is to remove the mountain.
Brute force began to pour out of me. My mind flooded with thoughts about how I can easily understand how people break. How my dad is my dad. I wonder if it were something stupid like a door that pushed in off into the void.
WITH A LOUD SNAP, the door handle gave and change positions. In this new position I was able to release my shirt and my belt loop.
“Fuck you and the tree you came from, you damn bastard of a door!”
I wanted to destroy that door, kick it in, tear it from piece to piece, fiber to fiber.
I stopped… “No, that is my dad. I did what I had to.”
I got up, and very angrily found my damn belt just a foot from where I had been caught.
My heart was pounding; I could feel the blood pressure in my lips.
I am snapping over a door, over a belt, or …. Maybe its more, man…
I was so angry when I got to the car finally already late for work.
I sent a post to my personal FB page, warning of incoming rant.
I knew today I was riding with the four horsemen and I felt damn sorry for anyone in my way.
I got on the road.
Though softly my overwhelming sense in my heart started to tug away in another direction.
I needed to my team, my crew smile today. It had been such a hard week for them and our fellow co-workers. I needed money to donate for a gift for my co-worker’s family. I needed to see smiles. I needed to get a pint of ice cream to make a new friend smile. I needed …
I NEEDED to give
Because that is what makes me whole and happy.
Sure people take advantage of it and etc etc… but right then, I just knew the only chance for today was not to let that fucking door win.
So I stopped. I got two dozen donuts. I got a pint of ice cream. I got some cash. I got me a tall coffee with more expresso shots than I think is legally allowed; as the ordered taker looked at me with that “I are nuts or just …. Not ARE YOU NUTS” look.
I called work to let them know I was running really late.
I made it there, emailed out donuts for everyone.
Turned in the cash for the donation.
Dropped off the ice cream.
On one of the saddest weeks, I saw smiles, heard laughs, and the entire time no one even saw how I was.
That made me feel good. Made my day change back to the better.
“19 Then Job answered and said,
2 How long will ye vex my soul, and break me in pieces with words?
3 These ten times have ye reproached me: ye are not ashamed that ye make yourselves strange to me.
4 And be it indeed that I have erred, mine error remaineth with myself.
5 If indeed ye will magnify yourselves against me, and plead against me my reproach:
6 Know now that God hath overthrown me, and hath compassed me with his net.”
I have no clue what is in store for me the rest of the day. I do know though, if a door couldn’t kill me and stop me… Nothing can today.
-Static MagickStatic Magick
aka Soulbound Heart