I have been thinking a lot recently. That is easy for someone with high anxiety to do. I watched a movie on Netflix and loved it, but so many people hated it. I thought about that a while. What in each of us makes us see a single point so vastly different?
Then I started thinking about Jim Carrey or the artist known only as a set of polyhedrons bound together by energy. Trust me if you have kept up at all on Jim you will understand. I’ll admit when I heard about some of his firsts out bursts, I allowed my opinion and thoughts to be corrupted by those around me, “informing” me.
Now though, after hearing his words, from his mouth. Seeing his eyes.
Honestly, I get frightened.
I get frightened because for so long I sought to be that close to the Great Architect and part of my self that is still here can’t let go of how “crazy” I’d be if I finally made it. It was an eye opener for me. Honestly.
My first part of my life as an individual I only wanted to be a father.
After that I only wanted to get to a point that I could touch and be touched by other souls.
Then over the last few years, my life has spiraled into a bizarre path of darkness, anxiety, depression, far worse than when I lived daily with abusive relationships. I sought so hard to figure out why? How? When? All the questions that are natural to formulating a fight forward.
The cumulation of losing a career that I had cultivated and worked so hard on for 20 years over some pathetic people’s need to be better and show me how much superior they were to me; I broke.
I found I couldn’t support my family. I found my own spiritual faith was drained and I doubted myself and it.
A year I traveled through this weighted torture.
I have had close loves and friends tell me that my fear of being punished for past life transgressions, if real was more than a debt paid; by all that I have done and all that has transpired. I couldn’t believe them. Through all of this I found I needed to hurt because it was all I had left. I couldn’t remember true happiness like I use too. I would look at those who are my inspiration for every breath and cry on the inside because that inspiration was off lost in a forest of darkness. I knew it was not right.
Then the new year. I broke traditions, you know black eyed peas, a new year’s kiss, etc.
I got so ill. My family was so ill. Medication had to be altered.
Now in the first few days of the new year I feel radically different.
I watched and listen to Jim.
I’ve listened to his interviews, read interviews.
It’s like I could see my old self in his eyes. The one that knew that the rest of the world thought my beliefs and thoughts were on the fringe but didn’t care. I didn’t care then because I understood then the universal truth that most do not. It wasn’t worth the energy to care about their opinions, it wasn’t them I sought. I sought the connections of the other like souls and those souls who had not found the peace I had.
Back then I had co-worker and co-worker, person after person who got to know my IRL trials and tragedies that would just look at me and ask how I couldn’t hate the world. My response is because love.
For the last 24-48hrs while rediscover this entity that was Jim. I rediscovered myself.
I realized I had allowed all of those around me, impact me so much while not even knowing it. While believing I was actively resisting their influence I was running into it head on.
I can’t say I am 100%.
I can’t say I am happy.
I can say that for the first time, over the course of I guess the last 20+ days, my life has seen and witnessed happiness again. I can say I know what it feels, and tastes like.
I don’t feel the shackles like I did.
I don’t know if I am about to stand up and shack off all that I have left hurt me and keep me down.
I do know what I feel is real. That Jim feels real things and see truth in the world.
So, do I, again.
That is scary. To feel something other than pain and fear that had you conditioned.
It’s a good scary though.
So, thank you Jim or whomever that beautiful soul is…
In the end, we all see things differently because we have been trained to be divided and filled with fear, hate, anxiety etc.
I challenge those reading this, to stop, step back, take you mind cap off and set it on the table. Don’t process what others have told you. Don’t sheeple your way through life. Instead, refill your mind with all that is around you.
Don’t get offended if someone holds a door open, it may not be pity, or judgmental weakness being aired. It may very well be a compassionate soul just saying hello.
Don’t let others drive wedges between you and those you love and share beautiful connections with. Just because their eyes can’t see, does not mean there is not light, joy, happiness, and mutual strengthening.
I have a loss for words…
All I can say is I challenge you to open your heart, mind, body and soul. Just see what you hear, feel, and understand.
If its not for you, ok… then what did you loose by trying something outside your comfort zone?
If it is for you… your world will change.
Photo by Simon Migaj from Pexels https://www.pexels.com/photo/silhouette-photography-of-person-standing-on-green-grass-in-front-of-mountains-during-golden-hour-746386/
aka Soulbound Heart